Secret Service Sex Scandal Defense: Sofía Vergara Made Me Do It
When Colombia’s extreme geo-political makeover as it hosted the Summit of the Americas in Cartagena was eclipsed by another national treasure–its Latina women, I knew to blame Sofía Vergara–you know who’s everywhere including Saturday Night Live, flatly delivering her line, “America welcomed me with open arms and pulled down pants.”
Let’s back up: At least 11 Secret Service and 9 military personnel were sent home to the U.S. and are being investigated for hiring 21 prostitutes–some of them may be underage–before President Obama arrived in the coastal colonial city. They are accused of bringing back the “sex workers” to their Caribe Hotel rooms to engage in some hanky panky. Why are we talkin’ ’bout this? Why is the media hot and bothered, why are congressional investigations underway? Because one in the Security Detail Gone Wild didn’t pay after he played and the ladies of the night raised a ruckus.
It’s quite the lío de (NO) faldas–a Spanish term that captures female trouble men get into, that can range from having a wandering eye to living a double life with another “wife” and kids. Could or could not involve Latinos and/or Latinas.
Joints Chief Head Martin Dempsey declared that the involved personnel had “let the boss down.”
Which one: ¿el Presidente? ¿Their wives at home who may or may not contract tropical cooties? ¿The American people who may have bankrolled these “services” indirectly in the form of a per diem travel allowance?
Tisk. Tisk. Tisk. Whether it’s Anthony Weiner tweeting naked pictures, Louisiana Senator David Vitter listed as a top client of the “D.C Madam,” what drives men to lose their grip, gambling health, a marriage, career, even the safety of the leader of the free world for some sexy time with a hooker?
Answer: Colombian-born actress and (not a role) model, It-Girl spokeswoman for corporations obsessed with dominating Latino market share–Sofía Vergara.
Don’t be surprised when you hear the Sofía Vergara defense at the congressional hearing that’s sure to be announced. Fast forward to the future:
Maine Republican Senator Susan Collins of the Senate’s Homeland Security committee: “If your sole mission is to ensure the protection of President Obama, why did you go to the “Pleyclub” [sic on spelling of the Cartagena bar] and bring prostitutes back to your room?”
Grilled Agent: “Senator, I plead insanity by Sofía Vergara. She’s everywhere: night, late night (TV that is), my wife’s CoverGirl mascara, also her K-Mart dress, and all over my Pepsi. Cartagena is as close to that Latina “Pleyboy” bunny’s hometown of Barranquilla as I’m going to get to indulge my Ultimate Fantasía.”
Will the U.S. recover from this international incident? Well, what state secrets would a horny member of the President’s security detail reveal to a two-bit ‘ho in a few minutes of a frenzied sexual encounter? The real security breach happens nightly, with these agents’ wives and girlfriends’ mundane pillow talk.
Will Cartagena be able to shake the label of Sin City? I think of my sister who told me that when she attended company dinners at trade conferences, she excused herself after the dishes were cleared and barricaded herself in her hotel room. After the second glass of wine, wedding rings were concealed in pockets or purses and footsies under the table quickly turned into being felt up. Indeed, any back seat of a taxi, alley, office cubicle, carpool club, or trade conference has the potential to turn into Sin City.
Will the Secret Service agents and military involved be stripped of this coveted assignment? Retribution for turning the focus from increased trade between the Americas or even the potential legalization of drugs to a sex scandal? I have a suggestion: being assigned first pooch Bo Obama’s official pooper scooper.
Will the image of Colombianas and by association Latinas one day move past only being sex-pot-hot-tamales? This one’s a little harder even though it’s been decades after sultry Carmen Miranda and Rita Hayworth first set screens on fire.
We can thank Sofía Vergara for that.After an investigation, what is the best punishment for the men involved?